STARS IN THEIR EYES JOKE.....
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened?"
"Well' replies Simon "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outrightbut I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free."
"The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."
"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? asks Matthew.
"No Matthew," he replies. "While I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. "The operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. 'That's an unbelievable story. So, who are you going to be?" asked Matthew.
'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle."
:p
GRANDMA'S ORANGES JOKE..........
Denise was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a hotel, and Denise was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Denise's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Denise told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, " Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted !!!
AIRLINE JOKE......................
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."
Edited By mel on 1086103243
