Ixtapa, Mexico - January 12-19, 1997

Pictures: Click here to see some pictures.

Act 1: The Airport and the Flight

Scene 1 - The Early Morning: It's cold, very cold, but enough about Wendi. It was extremely cold outside at 7am that Sunday, but we made some excellent time getting to the airport. We cruised right in, waved goodbye to John and waited on line to to check-in. Well, that's when the hell began!! We were told that our flight had a FOUR hour delay, by this time, John had bolted. With two hours of sleep, a Mickie Dee's breakfast sitting in my stomach like a rock and waiting on line in the sun light for about a half hour I was about to pass out. But I hung in there.
Waiting: They gave us a breakfast and lunch allowance of $10 per person, so we took advantage and loaded up on good snacks and a light lunch. Wen and I played cards, talked and we read a little from "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" to each other. Great, I'm about to die (I thought).
Cast Member - Damien "The Real Hell Begins": After waiting well over 5 hours, we were finally boarding. Wow!! This is great, we're on our way, but God really didn't like me that day, he sat "Damien, the Devil child" diagonally across and behind from us. This was not fun!
Cast Member - Ritalin Boy: While waiting: we met a very happy go lucky guy who ended up sitting in front of us despite his ticket reading 26 rows behind us. He had mention in passing that he was a very hyperactive person and it showed. Later he mention killing "Damien" because he forgot to take his Ritalin in his suitcase. That's when I thought to myself, "Now, I'm scared!"
Scene 2 - Damien, the Devil Incarnate: He seems to have calmed down when his mother started feeding him and stuck a bottle in his brothers mouth. At that point I was thanking everyone involved in the whole process of making apple juice and manufacturing baby bottles. I wonder if the Vatican uses apple juice for their Exorcisms?
Cast Member - Prozak Chick: Well, while Damien was in full stride wreaking havoc on the overburdened adults, I took the liberty to joke around with our neighbors (sitting in front of Damien and across from us). Basically, I gave her the sign of the cross, blessing her for having the courage to move from the crowded back of the plan to suffer with the "Wrath of Damien". She replied, "Oh, don't worry. I just took tranquilizers," we all giggled. I was skeptical though... Two hours later, after "Damien" had rested and had finished the sacrifice fed to him, he was at peek performance. I was adjusting my position (with earphones at full blast), when I noticed "Prozak Chick" getting up with a glare in her eyes starting to walk away. As she shuffled over, she whispered to her friend, "I'd better move before I end up killing someone!" Well, I lost it and starting writing again. With the earphones turned up and pen in had I had been able to ward off the evil presence of Damien. But i'm afraid I may not be able to fight the Powers of Evil alone, so I confide in Wendi and several cups of coffee.
Scene 3 - True Love: Prozak Chick (PC) couldn't take it anymore and found the only seat available, right in front of us and next to Ritalin Boy (RB). RB had a little problem shutting up and coming from me you know that's serious. I wasn't sure if PC could handle RB at that point, but it looked like PC's friend was beginning to break down peaking over the seat with an extremely pissed off face right at the kids and their mom. A mom who didn't seem to understand the meaning of discipline. Even the Captain's that were there for the ride where complaining to the mom. At this point it looked like RB really liked PC and PC was just completely exhausted and wanted no part of him. But wait, there's more....
Cast Member - Prozak Chick's Sidekick "Sleeping Beauty": PC's friend had already given them an evil look. As I was chatting with PC i overheard Sleeping Beauty Damien's Mom that his attitude was completely unacceptable, no matter what the scenario may have been. Then PC opened up and confided that the reason she moved was that Damien had baptized her with a cup of water and kept trying to get a lock of her hair, tugging away as much as he could. Just then SB got up and was trying to get away, to no avail, she was damned. Two more hours to go on a 5 1/2 flight and I'm watching "Larger Than Life", I'm not having fun.
Scene 4 - Sleeping Beauty Wakes up: Wakes up is really an understatement, she blow up!! She started to rip into the kids mom telling her completely off. She was telling her that she should really try to discipline her hellish kids and at least try to tell them that they are doing something wrong and not just sit there and act like an ass. "You don't know how to discipline them!"

Well, Damien's Mom (DM) really didn't like the whole thing and started ripping into SB telling her that when she had kids you could talk and the she didn't think she would ever have kids because, "your a lesbian anyway!"

I lost it again and started writing. At this point SB had called DM a fat witch and that she should go on a diet and stop feeding her fat kids so much and start disciplining them like she should be. I almost pee'd in my pants, I couldn't help but laugh. On top of that SB told DM that she should be some braces for her dirty fucked up teeth. Now you know DM was the one who really started all the "street like" bullshit, so it was only fitting that SB respond in such a fashion.

Then when things had just ended and I began to clap and thank the lord that DM and kids had finally gotten a piece of someone's mind. A little bit passed and it was 8:15 pm (over twelve hours in the trip) and Damien was stuffing his face so things were pretty quiet. SB & PC are wide awake and pissed off at the world.
Ritalin Boy Update: With all 6' 8" of him he managed to look over constantly to see what we were doing and asked us if we were going to have our croissants, so we said now and he ate them, but he never stopped talking, spitting crumbs at us with each breath, fun!! RB was so tall and mentally slow that he kept hitting his head against the overhead TV's that hung down from the top of the airplane cabin aisle, the thing is you would think he would learn from the first TV, nope about the 4th or 5th time was when it struck him to duck. Slow, huh!!
Curtain's Close - Act 1: Now onto the trip itself. For the rest of the trip see the bottom half.

Act 2: Activities & Stuff

Margaritas all around: With all the stress of the flight, the first day on the beach I had 5 potent margaritas in order to calm down, it worked and I was floating!!
Beautiful Beaches: Yes, once again I'm reminded that to date Mexico has the best beaches I've even been to. Ixtapa was absolutely no exception, staying at the Sheraton in Ixtapa, we had an oceanside view and direct access to many of the vacation amenities: pool, towels, beach, piña coladas, tequila, etc.
Sunset Cruise: This was a very pleasant trip. We were extremely delight with the food and the service. Wendi being the anti-seafood nut, didn't indulge in the abundance of lobster being served, so I did I had about 4-5 small lobsters (gotta get my money's worth). The rest of the food was nice and hot and the drinks weren't too shabby either.
Horseback Riding: Since we never really had the opportunity in the past to go horseback riding we didn't that this would be a nice diversion from the norm. And that it was. Having gone to school at Pace University in Pleasantville and lived with horse stables directly in front of the dorms and in the middle of campus, I guess I had learned to ride through osmosis. I was handling my horse very well, making sure not to just sit there and wait for the horse to do something, but actually stepping up and rocking with the horse and bring him to trot and dash through the nice beaches of the marina in Ixtapa. Wendi on the other hand didn't have such luck. Her horse didn't want to move very much and at one point it was spooked and dashed by my horse down a little hill, partially spooking, but definitely phreaking Wendi out. All I could her was her scream as she whisked on by and a couple of unpleasant comments about the horse. I of course almost lost it laughing as I tried to catch up to her, which wasn't too much of a hassle.
Para sailing Anyone: After a couple of days of watching people on the beach being swept up and dragged through the crisp clear skies I decided I also wanted to go para sailing (being hitched to an open parachute and dragged by a boat). It was definitely an experience, I was scared, but I really loved the view and the excitement in the fact that I was sailing way above the waters and beach was fantastic. For about $20 you can really get a nice cruise around the shoreline and areas and see things from a completely different perspective.

Act 3: Restaurants

Carlos 'N Charles: This time we made sure to go here. We were a little disappointed with the service (as with many of the places we went to eat), but it they had a good atmosphere and great dessert. The key is that it has a huge beach back yard, with all the summer time amenities, much like Fat Tuesday's in Cancun. Waiting just didn't understand what I wanted, the shit was I was speaking to him in spanish, now you know they have to be pretty damned slow not to understand then.
Senior Frog's: Owned by the same people who run C' n C's, you get pretty much the same scenario, but this Senior Frog's had no beach back yard or special attraction, except the name. And I was pretty disappointed with the Fajitas I ordered.
Beccofino: Down by the Marina in Ixtapa you will find a very nice array of different (but similar) restaurants. The one that stuck out was this one. And let me tell you it was a great choice too! Probably THE best service you could imagine, we had two waiters at our beckoning and they knew the importance of quality service and food. Our waiter made some excellent recommendation and really took his time in explaining the meals. In case you haven't figured it out Beccofino is an Italian restaurant specializing in seafood. I had Shrimp in Garlic and let me tell you the shrimp were beautifully clean and mixed well with garlic.
La' Italia/El Cafe: This restaurant was directly across from our hotel and when visited one night for ice cream and enjoyed it so we decided to visit for dinner. This turned out to be a bad idea, as with most of the restaurants we visited the service was very slow and the waiter weren't conscious of a patrons needs. The food was just acceptable nothing more and but the prices were fairly reasonable, so you we could really say we got our money's worth.
Tabago: Located in downtown Zihuatanejo (pronounced z - ha - te - ne - ho ) was a probably the next best dinning experience (second only to Beccofino), but still very good by U.S. standards. The waiters were very attentive and understood how to do their jobs, this was not the case with several other places we visited. The waiter had recommend "Bananas Flambe" created directly in front of us we drooled waiting and let me tell you the wait was worth it, it was delicious!!

Act 3: The Flight Back - The Re-Birth of Damien

Scene 1 - Luck: God had answered our prayers, we were seated far away from the Devil child, but no such luck for Prozak Chick or her sidekick. The flight back introduced a special wrinkle: Ritalin boy's Jealous Rage! Just as the flight was leaving, I notice RB standing and waddling over to go to the bathroom and what I saw was completely whacked out. I saw him swinging his fist away at a seated passenger and then stepping into the bathroom. As RB had made his way back to his seat, the gentleman that was assaulted by RB reported him to the flight attendants and tried to keep his cool. I needed to know more and was determine to find out (and of course Wendi wouldn't have let me live if she didn't know so I had a little pressure to find out).
Scoop Reyes Digs for Dirt: Being the kind heart-human that I was I waited a little bit before faking that I had to go to the bathroom, just so that I could get near the crime scene. After glancing over, I realized that PC was sitting there with the guy whom RB had assaulted, I pressed on, "Hey Stranger, what the heck happened?" Here goes: It turns out that RB had developed a SERIOUS crush on PC and thought he had a chance with her. It also turns out that they were headed to the same Club Med and that during the whole week RB had asked here out every night to go to dinner and she refused. Being struck down, he proceeded to ask her why and she said she had a boy-friend, later during the week RB saw PC with the Mysterious Guy from the plane and confronted her and asked whether this was her boyfriend (understanding the delicate nature of his attitude I would have avoided answering this), she replied "No". So now he was completely shot down and stepped on, well, I guess there wasn't enough Ritalin in the world to hold him back during the flight back when he wanted to speak to her and Mysterious Guy tried protecting her and wham, that's when it happened. Later on, to calm RB down, she agreed to talk to him and let him know AGAIN that she was not interested in him. Wow, this was juicy and Wendi and I were eating it up.
Curtains Close.

Act 4: Conclusion

Why I truly loved this vacation:

No! Sun Burn
No! Time Shares!!
No! Shopping Malls
No! Planet Hollywood
No! Hard Rock Cafe
For those of you who visit and don't know what the E is on all the signs - read the example to the right.